SPEAK

Yeow, baseball bat upside the head moment.

Last night I did an exercise that Diana Cooper refers to in her book, A time for transformation. Where you sit for a few hours writing down every single thought that comes up. And somewhere around hour 3 I got to a thought that went something like this.

Take every person in my life right now, new and old, and write what it is about them that I like, dislike and see if I can find the reason for them being in my life and the lessons they are teaching me about myself.

So, I made a mental note of it. And the reason this probably came up, was because yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I was disagreeing with a friend of mine via sms, and my whole body was just filled with antagonistic energy. I felt wounded, not so much angry, just lonely and lost.

See right now I feel like I am in this little bubble. Neither here nor there. I don't fit in with the old crowd anymore, so they have been moved just slightly to the outside of that sphere. And not yet fitting with the new crowd, they are just slightly on the other side of the sphere, and being in this space of suspension does leave me a little lonely at times. While most days I really am just peachy about it, there is once in a while that I do feel the separation intensely. I knew I had to do something about it and quickly, coz from a space of resistance and antagonism and feeling like a victim, there is no space to receive good.

So in the last sms, I said exactly what I was feeling, without blame, resentment or anger. I expressed what certain actions made me feel like and letting them know that I am aware that they are my issues. And this morning I woke up to a long message that showed understanding and acceptance. So I could reply from the same point of reference. And while writing it, I discovered one amazing, mind blowing truth.

That even if my best medium for self expression is my writing, I must start to SPEAK it!

This is still challenging for me, sometimes when I have to speak about how I feel, it's like fear and uncertainty chokes up my throat and the words just stop before it reaches my mouth - then all that comes out is some irrelevant blabber. And I believe that once I walk head on into this challenge, the size of that bubble will increase to include all the new gorgeous souls that are hovering on the outskirts. Coz they already speak their truth with great ease and comfort and a fearlessness that makes me stand in awe.

I decided last night to record my affirmations too, so I can start getting used to hearing my own voice speaking truth and beauty. I feel that it will help me tremendously.

Now onto the second part of this post. I remembered, driving to my dance class this evening about writing down every person in my life and the lessons... and when I got there I spoke to the only man there...

He told me a story from Dr Wayne Dyer, about how a clinical facility in Hawai, having lost all hope finally decided to hire a shaman, and they were very distressed when he did not work with the patients at all, because that was, after all what they paid him for. Instead he took all their case files to his office and reviewed each file. Trying to figure our why each patient has "come" into his life, what it reflected about himself. And within a year the facility had almost no patients left.

This really just confirmed for me, my plan to review every person in my life at this stage, is my intuition telling me to do just that. I trusted it, and it was beautifully synchronistically confirmed for me.

Apart from that, I am just absolutely grateful that I have chosen to start living. To get a life, a real life, where people and I matter more than things, places and money.

Shereen, my ever dancing and playing human Angel friend. Thank you for your presence in my life. I look forward to the lessons. :) And always more dancing, whether it is Warrior Princess style, Feminine and Masculine Style or Faery style. It makes my spirit soar and opens my heart to more love and abundance.

Today is one of the best days of my life.
Love, joy and contentment to all.

Much, much love
Charlize

Happy Birthday Cindy!!!

While I have a moment, I would like to take a quick moment to tell one of those gorgeous souls I have been blessed with meeting during this year...

Happy Birthday, Cindy!
May you have the most divinely abundant and enriching year.

Bubbles of light and enthusiasm to you.

Thank you for the many wisdoms and buckets of laughter and joy you have shared.

Much love, light, magic, miracles, bubbles, joy, success and transendence.
Charlize

Full circle...

I have just come home from a movie and put my things down. As I was daddling around, I started thinking about the fact that there is only 10 days left in this year. My word, where has this year raced off to.

Obviously somewhere I cannot find it again, except recalling it from memory. And boy, what a year it has been. :)

I am currently in a place of "suspended animation", partly due to the the time of year and partly due to the personal space I am currently inhabiting.

In the past year, I had fallen in love twice, had my heart broken twice, had considered the "easy way out" once, went on a life changing process twice, drove to Durban (to see how long it would take us to do it in a SEAT Leon DSG and ended up spending the day at Ushaka doing ocean walking and snorkeling) on a Friday night and returned the next day once, flown to Cape Town twice, once for a day, for a company lunch and once for a long weekend. I started dancing, writing, meditating, drumming and picked up my dusty Didgeridoo again (man, that sound just lifts me to a place of bliss). I met countless gorgeous souls who have touched, supported, encouraged and "changed" my life in the most unimaginable ways.

I have been introduced to the beautiful practice of Gratitude, the most divine art of listening, the amazingness of caring for others, the miracles in my daily life, the abundance of my life, the beauty of stillness and retreat and the beauty of my own being.

I have learnt the most divine things about life, miracles, synchronicity, animals and my place in this magnificent Universe we get to live in every day.

But most of all, I have learnt a lot about myself. One of which is, that I want to make a difference in this world. To spread joy, love, light and peace, no matter where I find myself, or who I am with. My heart lights up when something I have done makes another person smile, burst out in full belly laughter or is touched by my words, actions, contribution or participation.

Life is such a profoundly beautiful gift.

Let's seize every moment, coz we only get them once, before it becomes but a memory.

Let's start giving of ourselves and to ourselves, coz we are the chosen ones. We are here now to make the world a place of joy, love, peace and harmony.

I am in spiritual "rehab", I am quitting the "guilt, blame, shame, judgment and disappointment" game. I am learning to love myself unconditionally, accept myself for the amazing light bearer and caregiver that I am. I am learning anew, to find the divine spark in every person I encounter. After all, we are all one. We not only breathe the same air, but we breathe in every other being on this planet's breath. Does that not connect each of us to one another in the most profound way?

I am suddenly reminded of this quote, don't have the foggiest clue who it is by though: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the times it takes our breath away."

Life is infinite... in it's beauty, abundance, joy, miracles, magic, mystery and blessings.

Thank all that is, that I am allowed to be a part of it.

Thank you for a year that has been an amazing ebb and flow of miracles and learning. Meetings, encounters, beginnings and endings.

I wish you all the greatest of days. An abundant new year and love in every form in your every moment.

Namaste
Charlize

Scraps

I just want to quote something that once again struck me while listening to a favorite band.

"Just don't leave me the scraps, I'm WORTH MORE!"

I found it very apt, especially since I am working on just that. My worth.

Every day is a new challenge, every experience an opportunity for growth. Today I was presented with one that challenged my worth and from it I was presented with two valuable lessons,

1. TRUST my intuition - despite outside influences

and

2. STAY PRESENT - without expectation.

Connectedness of all life...

I am busy reading a book by Deepak Chopra, called Synchro Destiny, and he also mentions the connectedness of all life. In fact, he more than just mentions it, he “draws” the profound picture of it so well that my “layman/human” perception can almost make sense of in an infinitesimal flash.

Just before going to bed the strangest thing happened to me. I channel-hopped, really searching for a channel with tennis on (it can be rather like being lulled to sleep by background music, if you have the volume just right. Weird… yeah, I’d say so!!!) but, in the absence of tennis, I landed on a channel that had volleyball on instead. And during a time out, I looked at the team having their discussion, and as they focused in on their faces, the strangest most amazing thing happened. For that infinitesimal second, in each person’s eyes, I recognised each and every one of them as someone I know. Weird again… I’d say so…

And that got me wondering about literally being able to see the divine spark in everyone, is it when you can look into the eyes of any person in the world – and you immediately see “someone you know” or just in an instant flash “recognise” them, from someplace not here?

For the briefest of moments, I felt and “saw” the connectedness of all beings and my entire body registered it in goose-bumps. Like the “image” has been imprinted or burnt into a deeper level of my own being.

Was just wondering about that!!!

Goodnight all.
Namaste

Flip-FLOP

Yesterday has brought me back to my FLOP (fundamental life operating procedure), where I function from a place where I feel I am unlovable, not worthy and not good enough. This has been a constant challenge for me, however it did seem to move into the background for a while. And yesterday, it hit me again - like a ton of bricks. :)

And while speaking to a friend on the phone earlier, I was pointed to the fact that fear has yet again settled in my bones and that I need to release it, because it keeps me from meaningful and awesome experiences in my life. Experiences I would love to have.

After all that I have already seen, felt and experienced, can I still doubt that I am just as valuable as all else?

How could others possibly treat me as worthy, lovable and good enough if I don't feel these things about myself? No wonder I am experiencing that people withdraw from me, coz they don't want that responsibility placed upon them of making me feel these things about myself.

My retreat has started, so I can start nurturing myself, so I no longer unconciously or consciously place this burden upon those I love and care for. To learn the beauty and power that lies in self-acceptance and self-love. To truly heal and integrate my worth, cos my heart knows and believes this, but my head still keeps tripping me up.

Now I am really experiencing that connection between mind, body and spirit. They all need to believe, not just one or two parts of me. So working dilligently with powerful affirmations to "train" my mind through Neurolinguistic Programming. Someone else told me last week that with affirmations, you are effectively activating new neural pathways in your brain. Someone else mentioned that it should be done with feeling to enhance the effect. So there's already 2 of the 3 aspects in working, and faith, trust and spirit the last. That I have in boundless amounts.

Now to teach my body and mind to align with my spirit... and finding my "wings", coz I am worthy, I am good enough and I am lovable.

Selling the drama... for a life of truth

Wow, does change really happen this quickly?

Fortunately, I must add in gratitude, the Universe has truly been preparing me for a big change. And now that it is here, all I can say is WOW. I stand amazed, blessed and in complete, wonderous awe of the present.

Today I woke up feeling like a whole entire world has been removed from my shoulders, like the shackles have been loosened and I have been set free.

My life has become a place of mindblowing miracles - and it all began when I accepted complete accountability for it. I have become aware that blaming or holding others accountable for the way my life was or how I felt at any given moment only made me desperately unhappy and did not change a thing about it anyways.

Once I realised that I am in charge of my life, and the ONLY one that determines how my life is and can be, things started changing at a rocketing pace. I could barely keep up...

To look at my own life, from my own eyes and from the point I occupy life has given me new insights and visions of what really matters to me. What matters to me is to live my life in harmony with all-that-is, to infectiously spread joy and love to each and every being I encounter, to give everything of myself in service to the Universe and to others, but never forgetting or losing myself. Abundantly. Like Ghandi said, to be the change that I want to see in this world.

I have no idea where this new journey may lead me, all I do know and can say with utmost certainty and gratitude, is this: I have everything and everyone I need with me at all times, to successfully and joyfully traverse my present moments.

This gives me absolute peace and contentment. So, infinite gratitude to my Cosmic Cavalry for your ever present love, support and assistance. My journey with you is one of miracles, wonder and joy.

Bless each of us with infinite moments of pure joy and may each of us be enveloped in a blanket of awe inspiring grace and divine love.

In the most divine light and love
C

A Learning Curve – I have one :)

It seems that way. :)

Today, I have spent most of my day in absolute awe of the crazy beautiful life and the awesome people in it that I am blessed with.

I have had the most profoundly beautiful weekend, during which I have realised many things.

I have become aware that those lessons life has to teach me, it is not linear. Learn one lesson then on to the next. No way, it seems that I have many simultaneous lessons that I am in the process of learning.

The most surprising thing I have come to realise is that even though this blog is public, it is teaching me more about the many things about me that I don’t know. It is slowly opening me up to myself. I had wondered why I had this desire to start my blog, now I know. It is to get to know those things about me that I am not aware of.

I am not the most verbose communicator there is, I have always been better at communicating in writing. I just never knew that it was true, with regards to communicating with my self too. This is a different voice to the one that is constantly chattering in my head.

It has become apparent to me that the Universe is teaching me very valuable lessons, not only in trust, faith, gratitude, detachment and letting go but also in friendship, my truth and unconditional love.

I spent some time with friends yesterday that I see once every three or four months, it was just terrific and humbling to find that no matter how long we are apart. When we get together, we just carry on where we left off, filling in the blank spaces of our mutual absence. It is effortless and supportive, it just works.

Apart from that, with the recent changes that has been happening to me, I have found that there is a new depth to our sharing – and that my capacity to love my friends, from anywhere I am, is taking on a whole new meaning.

And in getting to know this about my self, it allows me yet more peace of mind. No matter the distance, space, frequency or time spent apart, we are still bonded in some magical, mysterious way – and as long as the sincerity is present, it won’t just dissolve like an effervescent tablet in water.

Right now, I just want to take a moment to say thank you, to all my friends, old and new, you are all beautiful and most divine. Your contribution and presence in my life is now seen with different eyes, appreciated in a new way at a deeper level. Wherever I go, you are all with me, carried in the most sincere care and love.

I can now allow myself to give you the space you need to BE, without fear that you will forget me or that I will lose you, or that we’ll lose the connection. Thank you for this lesson, it’s an important one for me.

I love you all tremendously, you are greatly cared for and immensely appreciated, whether I see you often or not so often. You are all with me, part of who I am and in my prayers every day.

So, see you on the flip-side… and we will just pick up where we left off.

Abundance, peace and joy to all
C

Hindsight is always 20/20

That’s how the saying goes. I find that it is true for me.

I find myself in a place, where my wheels are spinning, I am rearing to go, but the hand-break is still up. I am waiting for the final green light so I can start to move again.

I find it extremely difficult to feel stagnant, but I have also come to learn that these are the times when I integrate everything that I have learnt. It’s been a toughie, but I am getting better at it.

And in these moments that I am waiting for that final go ahead from the Universe, I find that there are a lot of challenges thrown in the mix, and I feel it’s like they are testing my resolve, my trust, my willingness and my commitment to my being. There's been a lot of stop, go, stop go, going on.

So yesterday, I was listening to this song, and the following verse just jumped out at me. I am taking it completely out of context from the rest of the song, but that’s just how I have always learnt.

“In the moment you will feel it, things will never be the same. It’s like standing on a mountain, by the clouds that bear the rain, you look back and you see clearly it was meant to be this way.” – In a heartbeat (Back to life album), Sandra

I know I am standing in that place just before the leap of faith, having hovered here for some time now. Between trust and fear, and what I have found is, when I take a good, hard look at the journey of my life, everything has happened precisely as it should have. The timing of life or course changing events has always been impeccable – I guess that is why the call it Divine Timing hey?

Considering the words from the song and looking at my experiences, if everything that has happened to me before, was meant to be exactly that way, why am I still finding it difficult to trust? Or is it a matter that I trust the Universe, but not myself?

Is it that I doubt my ability to “translate” the messages and omens the Universe is generously supplying along my path? I have a feeling that this is my self-imposed limitation - the thing that still keeps me back in that ‘little’ puddle of fear.

These are the truths I have found in these words. Yeah, sometimes, I am a slow learner, I stare myself blind at all the wrong things, but once something like the words of that song opens up a new view and I grasp what I must, I take off in hurry. :) I have a feeling this is what's about to happen...

So, now that I know what has been “wrong”, I can focus on changing it to what I want. Shifting my focus solidly on learning to trust my intuition, and the only way to learn to trust myself, my intuition, my knowing, is by listening to it, acting upon it, and being prepared or rather willing to make “mistakes” or take the snaking, scenic route first, till I find the ‘highway’. This is something I am really looking forward too.

As a last thought, I find learning in the strangest, most unexpected places, if I just keep my eyes and ears open. The other day I found this little nugget that’s sticking like glue, in a silly movie called House Bunny. “Kindness is just love with its work boots on.”

I am grateful for this beautiful mystery of life. I am greatful for beautiful guides, bright lighthouses and great hearts, standing by to open shed light on new avenues and possibilities. I am walking into my new chapter with faith, love, enthusiasm and gratitude.

From the heart, I wish all a beautiful, sparkling day! Much love
Charlize

Clarity and Trust

Wow, those curve balls!

Just two days ago, I spoke about finding a willingness in my being that wasn’t there before.

Today I am overwhelmed by emotion and trepidation, coz today my willingness is being tested. The decision I make from this willingness will change my life as I know it. It will take me far away from everything that is familiar, safe and comfortable.

I am beginning to wonder that when we are faced with a decision, if the one that evokes the most fear in our beings, is actually the right one. From what I have learnt these past few months, is that one of my biggest fears is ‘lonliness’, what I have also learnt is that what I need most now is time with myself. To learn the things I will need for the next part of my journey – and right now, the way for me to learn those things is to be taken out of my comfort zone and thrown into the unknown.

I have also discovered that one of the biggest lessons I am busy learning is TRUST. To trust that what the Universe is putting in front of me is for my highest good, and I feel that this is the reason that I am feeling so fearful at this decision. This is a test of my faith. But I am still in charge of making the decision.

I can be brave and make the choice with trust and an open heart, or I can be a coward, and remain stuck where I am now. Stuck... not so much, I DO WANT to be UNSTUCK.

I am no longer the cowardly lion and clicking my heels together three times will not take me back ‘home’, the only thing there is for me to do, is to take this leap in faith and embrace it with gratitude – for it is my opportunity to grow and move forward.

With regards to new designs, when we create a new layout and it is inevitably changed and changed till nothing of the original is left - I used to jokingly infer that this was the tone of our creations. “I LOVE IT! NOW, can we just change everything about it?”

Right now, I love everything about my life… is it now, in this moment that I choose to change it all? To change the creation of my life thus far, till nothing of the original is left, but me?

To not become stuck, to make progress… to grow? It feels that way!

Is it selfish and silly to feel a wave of sadness that I might never see the ‘new’ friends I have made on my journey again, or that there won’t be an opportunity to consolidate those friendships? That I would most likely not see the most important family member in my life for quite some time?

I have spent the last 4 months mostly by myself, and I have found a peace that settled in my bones that has never been there before. Why do I still feel this fear? Is it just because I am afraid of the unknown? Or is it because somewhere I am afraid to trust my Divine guidance?

It is both, so my choice is clear and obvious. I want to TRUST that guidance. It is what sustains me now – and I am working towards a life of trust and faith, without fear impeding my progress.

Wish me love and light as I usher in the new and say grace for all that has been before and love all that is NOW, for now.

Much love and joy
C

Risk?

Today I found myself in a fit of hysterical giggles at work.

In my quiet moments, I find myself thinking a lot these days about the person I used to be, and comparing it with who I am now. And I find it so strange and fascinating, that in essence, at the core I haven’t changed all that much. But on the surface, I can see such a huge difference. What’s that saying, the more we change, the more we stay the same?

I guess it was around the age of 22 when my very first boss started a discussion session on Friday afternoons at work. Thought provoking stuff, and somehow, there are some things that remain with me still. One of which is, the theory of the onion skin – the other, is that you should always look for the magic in people. Thanks Anna, you were the one who opened the door to my journey 10 years ago. I'll always love you like crazy.

So this is how she explained it: As we are all aware. Onions have layers, and we as people all have those same layers. The first couple of outer layers are those that we would classify as behaviour, then as you peel back the layers, you will get to the values, peeling back to the core, which is our beliefs.

And when you look at just those three things, behaviour is something that can easily be modified, values are a bit more tricky, coz they stem from our beliefs, but in the end, they can, with some effort on our part, also be modified. But when you get to the core – our beliefs… that’s another matter entirely. It would have to take something really “earth shattering” to change them. This is where the finding the magic in people comes from.

So, when dealing with people, I always try to find the core of the person, and it really makes it easy to care for people when you can see the magic in another person. If you know a person’s values, you can undoubtedly peg what their beliefs are, and once you can do that… *poof* you find the magic.

It’s pure beauty…

I find that sometimes I don’t understand someone’s behaviour, but because I know their values or their core, I can still relate to them, and really care for them - even when their behaviour really stupefies me at times.

So this is where the giggles comes in, I was thinking about how my beliefs are just the same as they have always been, and life process gave me a clear outline of what my values are. But my behaviour has changed in ways that cannot be described…

But one thing remains a fact. I have always been very intense and deeply passionate about things, a fact that I used to cover up with humor. Just so I didn’t scare people with my intensity, because that happened all too often when I was younger. I cultivated this “fun” persona to fit in, and not ridiculed for my passion and intensity. The fear of not being accepted for who I was, was taking the REAL ME away from me and the people in my life. (Hmmmm... watch the company you keep. You are who you hang with? Being with people who behave the same as me... but not the same values... sounds like a recipe for disaster. :) I've had my fair share thanks.)

I still find days that I feel the fear of being authentically me, but I try to step through that fear every time I notice it now.

So in passing today, I asked a friend, why she thinks my intensity and passion sometimes scare people. Her answer: “Wouldn’t you be scared if you saw a tsunami coming?”

LOL… Man, I snickered for almost a half an hour!

I guess I get her point, but holding back really is not an option any longer. Now I give it all… coz when I do, freedom follows and fear dissolves. I risk - being authentically me.

Have a brilliant weekend, filled with divine beauty, passion and intensity.
Much love and joy to all
C

Forgiveness, willingness and random thoughts

I find that I have a lot of difficulty forgiving myself for lapses and bad reactions. This week though, I have taken a different approach to my “challenges”, I really just gave myself space to let everything bubble up and eventually out. I have not been harsh with myself for not being my “happy” self for a couple of days. It’s taken a few days, but finally I can feel that the snarky-ness is naturally beginning to give way to a more joyful disposition.

I have however also done a lot of introspection during this time. Writing down whatever it was that I was feeling, and last night I got to a space, where I discovered a willingness in my being that wasn’t there before. I was taught that what you are willing to do, determines what you can do. So this was a big moment for me.

So in this space, I have broken through some previously constructed comfort and fear off loss. I have been dedicated to my truth for some time now, but I now realise that there was still some resistance to really let go and release.

This has really given me a sense of freedom and I feel like I have finally made a significant breakthrough – especially when I received some specific guidance during my meditation last night. It was very simple guidance, but soooo welcomed with an open heart. My biggest desire right now is to focus on establishing a more constant, direct and open com-line to my divine guidance. This is all that I am focussing on now - to really listen and follow the guidance. I know this will probably take me away from some things I love, but what matters to me most now, is that this is my time. Time to give 100% towards creating the life I dream of. Mediocrity and half shine is no longer an option. BE, DO, HAVE right.

So, as far as random thoughts go, as I walked into my house tonight and as I was running the tub, my mom phones me up with the strangest proposition. She will pay me for writing her a story… the title of the story: “The ticket says Fairytale.”

And I was struck by the frequency that the word “Fairytale” has shown up in my life over the last 2 months. Not even mentioning that 2 years ago I discovered a song that holds more significance to me than I care to explain right now, it’s also a song that I have not shared with anyone, until today. It’s called "Real life fairytale". Maybe one day I will share the significance... right now, it's just to illustrate a point.

So this made me think also of how much “rainbows” have come up for me in recent weeks, the letter Y, the number 2, Geese and Rabbits? Synchronicity… it’s time I start paying attention and contemplate what I am being guided to see and realise.

What I can say is that I had after months of wondering, finally figured out the letter Y. I looked up the Rabbit as a totem yesterday and discovered that it was associated with the Goddess Hecate... she was the Goddess of the crossroads. It was put down in the explanation that she is the Goddess of the Y- (or 3-way) crossroads.

Interesting information, coz that's exactly where I find myself right now...

Yep, so cheers to digging deeper… to freedom of being and discovering more truths.

Much love, joy and peace
C

Realisations

First off, I want to apologise for expressing things on the blog that was clearly not ready for public consumption. I had obviously not had a firm grasp on my self yet when I posted them.

However, they are there now - and there are no mistakes, only a result to deal with. So I am not looking at it as a mistake, but an opportunity to learn. To truly deal with something first before I splatter it onto a public forum.

I trust I will remain aware of this lesson for the future.


Some of my realisations:

1. Self-pity is really NOT pretty - and not meant to be shared.
2. Self-pity and anger blinds me to the beauty and the little things
3. How quickly my bruised EGO slapped me into forgetfulness and self-pity
4. Spoiling loved ones is exactly that - SPOILING
5. Keep focusing on the joy in my life. If it is a lot, or a little. It is still joy
6. Love does not harbor EXPECTATION, if it does, it's NOT unconditional

These are all things that I am already aware of, but still just one momentary lapse in awareness, caused me 3 days of utter distress and emotional chaos.

Emotional chaos is a place that I have been intimately familiar with. It is also a space that I have dedicated the last 4 months of my life, to remain out of, with a certain measure of success. It is just my reminder to myself to ALWAYS pay attention and be aware of my feelings and thoughts. That even the tiniest indulgence of my ego can make my life really difficult, and once I am there, it's so easy to want to stay there. The comfort-zone of my past.

I needed some valuable support and a swift, decent kick in the behind to make me want to get out of that gap.

Carina, my soul sis, thank you for your support and just the teeniest, tiniest bit of tough love (I definitely needed it). I appreciate it immensely. Thank you for pointing out certain things. I had and still have a lot to think about and DEAL with.

Our chat opened my heart enough to actually see all the care that I am receiving. Not the way I "expected" it, but it is there. Thank you for pointing that out for me too - and for showing me that my focus was on all the "wrong" things, and when I realised this, I could see all the "right" and beautiful things, love and care surrounding me. I could shift my focus onto what I wanted, not what I did not want.

That immediately put me back in touch with the gratitude and the joy.

Bon, my friend, thank you for your HOW TO MOVE FORWARD post on your blog. This is the second time in 2 weeks this post in particular post has helped me work through some stuff. This time though, I just jumped the gun a little. Your blog is a constant source of learning and immeasurable support for me.

I thank you both generously for your sharing so freely of your experiences. It helps me grow every day. You are lighthouses that illuminate the way. Thank you for the impeccable timing you had to step in and become part of my journey and my learning. You are valued and appreciated beyond comprehension. ALWAYS.

Namaste fellow journeyers.
Much love and care, always
Charlize

Aftermath

I've heard people say that your biggest strength and your biggest weakness is usually the same thing - your biggest blessing and your biggest curse. In my case, it's my sensitivity. Through it I experience great joy when it aids me in being a support to the people I care for and see them smile, also through it, I have experienced immense pain, when for a moment I expected care and support from those I love and didn't get it. No wonder I have had difficulty in the past feeling worthy and good enough. And now that I know better, I was still surprised to find that I once again expected people to care, who habitually does not. When am I gonna learn?

So Saturday! The day after the big scare. A friend came to pick me up at 5pm, for a long awaited date with the Parlotones. She immediately saw something was amiss. I told her about what happened, her concern was welcomed, but short lived. And I sat in silence staring out the window, picking quietly through my memory of the event, on our way to pick up another friend.

About 5 minutes away from the 3rd friend's house I suddenly remembered with horror that I had forgotten my ticket at home. As I told my friend, she said that it was ok, we'll go back for it. We'll pick up our friend and then head back. It's gonna be a close one but we'll make it.

Once at the house, friend number 3 flipped at the information and said, she was not going to miss one minute of the show because I was stupid enough to forget my ticket, and that included the opening act. She promptly suggested we head back and she would meet us at the venue. I ran to the little warriors room, to make the trip back, when I got back I was informed by friend number 2 to take her car and head back. She is going to go to the venue with friend number 3, coz she did not want to wait for us at the venue alone. Completely unconcerned that I required some company.

I snapped at them and felt the anger crystalize around the hurt and perceived rejection in my heart. I cannot express the intensity of the hurt and rage. Anger and rage are emotions that very infrequently grip my being, the intensity of it scared me. I had not felt this amount of pure rage in about 2 years.

I got in the car and said that I would pick friend number 2 up after the concert. I took off, headed home, not really wanting to go anymore, not in such callous company. But in retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened. I drove for a while, blind with fury, hurt and the tears of the betrayal I felt stinging my eyes. When I suddenly realised, I am not angry with them. I am angry with myself. Furious. Enraged. For expecting different reactions from them. I know these people well enough not to have that reaction affect me anymore. Yet, I keep making the same mistake, over and over. When am I going to learn.

Furious for the unfathomable expectation, for yet again believing that they would exert just the tiniest bit of care. I KNOW!!!!!! - I KNOW!!!!!! that it won't happen.

Furious at myself about leaving my car window open, furious for answering my phone with the window open. I was livid at myself. And as soon as I realised that I was angry at myself, more than at them. I started feeling some calm return to my being, and I started thinking. I looked forward to this show for 6 loooong weeks. I was NOT going to deny myself the experience, just because my friends disappointed me. This is a situation I should be used to by now.

I ended up going to the concert. I enjoyed it thoroughly and found that the music melted the crust of anger and soothed the hurt somewhat. Despite the "atmosphere" I brought with me, I put a magnificent golden egg of protection around me, and let the music transport me to another world.

The yo-yo, push and pull friendship is not allowing me to grow... I grow and I allow myself to be sucked back in, letting myself shrink again...

LET IT GO, CHARLIZE! WATCH THE COMPANY YOU KEEP. You KNOW this will continue to happen. You will continue being the one getting hurt. YOU ARE THE ONE ALLOWING THEM TO HURT YOU CONTINUOUSLY, CHARLIZE!

It is time to LET IT GO. It's served its purpose. No matter how much I love and care for them. Cut those cords, only this time, don't let your SYMPATHETIC heart suck you back in. One of the greatest lessons one can learn is when to let go. Can I just learn it, ALREADY?

And surprisingly, to this moment, I have not felt one drop of rage directed at the perpetrator who set all this in motion. Could this be normal?

Conclusion:
The lesson to REALLY TAKE TO HEART THIS TIME:

Let go, so I can open up my being to make space for the 'new' to come in for my highest good. I am worthy, I am good enough.
I have found I can care for myself, and I truly like my own company. Enjoy caring for me. Why keep wishing for FICKLE support, when UNFAILING support surrounds me ALL THE TIME. I just need to keep my heart, eyes and ears open to that.

I know this will take some time, on the other hand, someone else recently told me that it doesn't have to take a really long time.

I've also learnt the anger truly blinds me to the beauty out there. And I don't want to miss one thing, not one thing of beauty anymore.

Mission objective:
Forgiveness and melt the last remaining vestiges of anger and hurt, so I can move forward again.

Much love and gratitude to all those unexpected Angels who show up in our lives. You are appreciated and recognised.

Friday the 13th

Welcome to the weekend.

After a challenging day, I got in my car Friday afternoon, glad the work week was over. I was looking forward to spending an evening of quality time with my mom who had been visiting for the week. That was the agreement but she decided to rather go home.

No wonder my biggest buttons is people not sticking to their agreements. My mom, being one of the biggest offenders in this regard, but most certainly not the only one. But let's leave that there, some things are never going to change. So I need to just accept what is.

Listening to the traffic on the radio, I heard that 2 lanes were closed down on the highway I was to travel home. I chose to take an alternative route home. All went well, till I got to the outskirts of Joburg. When waiting at a red robot, my car's engine just cuts out. With a sigh of resignation I switched on my hazards, tried the started a few more times and knew, I ain't goin' anywhere anytime soon, not without a tow. I dialed my brother, already knowing that he is going to huff and puff a bit about the time this situation is going to take from him. Thankfully he agreed, but had something to finish at home first. Next I dialed my mom's number, just to let her know what was happening.

Three security guards from the Liberty Building came round and offered to push my car out of the middle of the road into a parking space, for which I was immensely grateful. I thanked them with a big smile and as they left I settled in to the wait for my "rescue". Unlike before though, instead of feeling frantically frightened, I felt an unfamiliar calm settle in my being as I thought back on my day. Which only a few minutes before, I was still a little upset about. I was truly grateful for the calm, and I thanked my Angels for being there and asked them to please stay.

An hour and some minutes later there he was. Not my brother, like I expected, but one of his friends. I seemed to feel even more grateful that I did not waste any of my brother's valuable time.

He took a few minutes to assess what was wrong and just smiled, shrugged and said: "Let's tow". Rope tied and ready to go, I did something I never do when I drive through the city.

I left my window open - as we approached a red traffic light, my phone rang - again, I did something I never do when driving through the city - I answered my phone. It was my mom, it was her 4th call since I called her the first time, just to check in and if my brother was there yet. So, not paying attention to my actions, I answered the phone. Stationary at the red light. I hear someone outside the car speaking to me. I look out the window, the guy is casually closing the last three feet to my door. I smile politely and greet, and asked: "Sorry, what did you say?"

Still holding the phone to my right ear. He bent down, leaning on my door ever so casually and said: "Give me your phone and your valuables". Well, I was dumbstruck. I could feel the smile sliding from my face like slick mud. I transfered the phone to my left hand and held it over the passenger seat. "NO", I said very calmly.

"I'll shoot you, you *$^%^$^" he said very calmly. But just then, some mechanism must have triggered my fear, and I yelled more forcefully "NO" as I scanned him from head to knees. I couldn't see a gun anywhere, but the thought just swirled around my head, what are you doing, what if he has a gun, give him the phone. But my body stubbornly wouldn't listen to my head. Just then the red light turned green and we started moving. I nearly sighed in relief as I saw him start to turn away, but then he turned back, and I thought. There it is... this is the end... my mom is still on the line and she is going to hear me being shot...

I blinked as his hand came through the window, but when my eyes were open again, there was no gun, he just reached into the car and grabbed the keys from the ignition, turned back and ran. I looked after him in shock, and as he ran down the block, and we were slowly moving. Then my steering locked, my car traveled to the right and finally my brother's friend shouted at me to stop. So I stopped and I remembered again, my mom was STILL on the phone. She must have heard the exchange and be worried. I just put the phone back to my ear and said, he took my keys. My house keys and my tag to clock in at work. I will call you later.

My brother's friend, Jannevic, got to my window, asked what happened, apologized that he did not see anything, and he looked down the road. There where 9 - YEP - 9 Uniformed Policeman, standing huddled in a crowd on the corner, less than 50 meters away. Jannevic, went to them to ask if they saw the guy. They shook their heads and just said, nope, didn't see anything.

In the meanwhile, my body entire was shaking and quivering in shock as I watched Jannevic speak to the cops, when I suddenly remembered, I have a spare key in my carrybag. I put it there less than 2 weeks ago. I jumped out of the car, suddenly in a hurry to get out of there. Pulled the lever on my back seat, flipped it down, stretched into the boot to grab my carrybag, as Jannevic got back to the car. Still shaking I zipped open my bag, the first thing my fingers closed around, was the spare keys. I grunted a triumphant yes as I yanked my hand out of the bag... dangled them in front of Jannevic. I handed him the key... told him, I am driving in front. And 4 minutes later we were on our way. This time... window tightly wound up to the top.

All the while, towing, I just kept repeating like a mantra to calm me. "Thank you God, I am still alive. Thank you, thank you, thank you." Somewhere along the line, it calmed me enough to focus on the rest of the journey to my brother's house. Which evidently I was going to need for the rest of the evening.

The first thing I got from my brother was not a hug, but a talk on how I should invest in a new car. My eldest brother and his wife were also there, so after greeting them an hour of listening to some really hectic stories. I decided it was time to go home, I phoned my mom again. This time to ask if she would mind bringing me her set of keys to my house. She laughed at me. I was in tears. I couldn't believe my ears. I just wanted to go home, didn't anyone understand that, or what happened? Are we all so desensitized to the crime in this country that we are already indifferent when it happens to a member of our direct family?

I dried my tears, greeted my mom and walked in the house. I walked up to the Angel of my day, Jannevic. He gave me a confused look, then just said. I will take you to fetch the keys. How on earth did he even know? I was outside speaking to my mom. My gratitude knew no boundaries. One person understood.

He drove me to my mom's house in Vanderbijl Park, where she finally asked if I was ok. Gave me her set of keys and also promptly decided that I can borrow her car. Jannevic followed me home to make sure I was safe. We walked in my door at 12:28AM. Five hours and fifteen minutes after the incident. Jannevic kept me company and let me talk about the night till I no longer wanted to, to make sure I got as much of it out of my system.

I am grateful that there are still people out there that cares. Sometimes, it is just not the ones we normally would expect to.

I am profoundly grateful that I am still around.

What if... schmatif!

You've done it, I've done it (often) - guaranteed, we've all done it at some point.

Now where'd your mind go? Kidding. :) I am talking about playing the "what if" game.I often played the "what if" game.

What if we never moved from the small town I was born?
Would I still be living there?

What if my parents didn't get divorced?
Would I have grown up without developing insecurity "issues"?

What if I had completed my University degree?
What exactly would I be doing now? Would I have loved my job like I do now?

What if... what if... what if...
What would I be doing? Who would I be now?

So many hundreds of them - and somehow I've always ended up at the same conclusion. If everything had not happened as it did, this particular me I am now, would be vastly different. The people I have in my life now would most likely not be here. There would be other people around me that would be supporting the being I would have become. And quite frankly, I really like the people who are around now.

It's like theoretical time traveling, if you mess with history - it could be devastating to the present.

So, based on the conclusions from my games, I have come to a different conclusion. It's a waste of time for me to play that game, it won't change anything in my past, nor would I want to, now that I know how blessed I am right now because of it.

I know I probably have mentioned this before - but all is as it should be. I AM exactly where I'm supposed to be, exactly who I'm supposed to be. It's my life, the way I "chose" it and I am grateful for it all.

Once I realized this, I took stock. I am content with who I am right now, I am blessed beyond compare with beautiful people in my life, love, compassion and caring. I choose to not be anywhere else than where I am now. This is a really good place to be at. :)

Kinda makes me wonder why I even played that silly game so much in the first place!!!

Inner Child - Meditation

Re-establishing the connection with my free and fearless inner-child is very important to me. As a child, the world was the most exciting place, the biggest adventure. My imagination was unencumbered and limitless. I wanted that back, and this has aided me in retrieving some of that freedom.

“To dream the impossible dream…” and to believe with fearless trust that I can achieve ANYTHING!
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As always, you will need a quiet space, where you will not be interrupted. You may want to lie down, or if you prefer sitting up, that is good too. Your preference.

Once you are settled and ready to begin, take two or three deep breaths to relax your body and quiet the mind. Feel your entire body melting away.

Feel yourself gently drifting back though your life… when you stop drifting, you turn around slowly and see before you your most happy childhood memory playing out.

When you still believed that everything in your life was perfect and whole. You still had faith in your parents and the world around you was still unscathed by hurt and fear.

Take note of what you were doing and where you were... Who you were with… what you were wearing… what you looked like.

Now remember how you felt. The innocence, and the belief that everything you could dream of would be provided for. Remember that all you had to do to have your needs met was ask and you received, whether it was care, love or protection.

Slowly, reverently approach that child, stretch out your hand and introduce yourself. When you shake hands and look deep into that child’s eyes. And recognise in them the fearless, unwavering faith that he/she is special, loved, cared for, safe and protected.

This is you. How you felt when you were free, but something made you lose that fearless faith

This is what you want that for yourself again. So your reach out to that child, envelop that child into a warm, gentle embrace.

Feel the warmth of the embrace starts to infuse your whole body, first your chest and stomach, then your arms, legs and feet, and finally, your neck and head as this child starts to dissolve quietly into you, completing your being.

Bringing back to you that part of yourself that you have lost along your journey.

Feel the freedom, faith and trust, whole and complete that integrating your inner-child into your being brings you.

Give thanks to that child for becoming part of you once more as you feel yourself as whole and complete again.

Close your eyes, stretch out your arms beside you and just fall back faithfully. Knowing that you are safe -you fall onto gentle hands that carry you steadily back to the present.

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Receive the gifts your inner-child brings to your being. Fearless imagination, trust, faith, freedom and joy.

"If you can dream it, you can do it!"

Echoes

"Always something there to remind you."

Last night, as I was writing, I heard my mom speak on the phone. It was a phrase that that echoed from a distant past – one long forgotten and deeply and probably not so neatly packed away. Or so I thought.

At once I was 8 years old again, paralyzed with fear. In all the childhood work I have done in recent months, like a scary clown faced jack-in-the-box, something popped out from an unexplored, unremembered “box-o’ memories” - I was still unpleasantly surprised by the venom in its bite.

Is it possible to forget certain things so completely, bury things so deeply that when you are trying consciously to remember them, they are just not there? Or is it that I just did not know where else to look? In this case, apparently.

For long minutes my being was flooded with emotions, flashbacks and some deep seated fear. But then, just as suddenly as it came, it was gone, EVERTHING inside went deathly quiet - and I found myself peacefully drifting in vast space.

I remembered, I was no longer 8 and I have been given all the tools needed to explore this new opportunity presented to me, to deal with something that I didn’t even know I did not know.

So, proverbial flashlight in hand, I went back, gloves on, and took a good look around, and to my own astonishment, I found – things really aren’t as scary as they used to be - though the context was remarkably similar. That fear that it evoked could firmly be faced, stared down into “submission” – and gratefully integrated into my journey. No gloves needed.

I was in charge now. I was in charge of how I was going to ACT upon this challenge. It truly is astounding how just a little awareness can throw enough light onto a situation, aid you in flushing out and confronting those sneaky little “demons” pitter-pattering around in our deepest, darkest subconscious – trying desperately to avoid the light.

Just makes me wonder how many other unremembered things will pop up for me to stare in the face, to finally be released? All I know is, now I am no longer afraid of them. I want them to pop up, so I can clear more inner space.

Each challenge – now represents me with a new opportunity to learn and grow – that enables me to stand tall. And more inner space to bask in the light. From this perspective, I am enthused to venture inward with courage, a fearless exploration.

Much gratitude and love.

A moment of joy

Open up a lil happiness today
So I can be someone new
C'mon and lift me up (to a better way)

Open up a smile on another face
So I can (feel something new)

Open up some happiness

There's enough sunshine to share
As long as you know
The bridge between us is a rainbow

"Open Happiness is a collaboration written and produced by Butch Walker co-written by Cee-lo Green, remixed by Polow Da Don and performed by Patrick Stump (Fall Out Boy), Brendon Urie (Panic at the Disco), Travis McCoy (Gym Class Heroes), Cee-Lo Green and Janelle Monae that gave these artists the unique chance to come together and create a song to uplift and inspire." – jsalazar3, www.songmeanings.net

You know how they say that no matter where you are, that is where you are supposed to be – otherwise you would not be there.

This morning I drove to work slightly earlier than usual and I was treated to the most beautiful sight - something that infused a huge sense of joy into my day.

So there I was, creeping slowly along the highway, and as I looked around me, I saw patch after patch of green grass. But unlike other mornings, I noticed there was still morning dew on the grass. Billions of blades of green, covered with dew drops that sparkled their brilliant iridescent rainbow smiles back at the sun - and me.

How could my spirit not be lifted with the most divine and grateful joy? I felt inspired and again irrevocably assured of the magnificent omnipotent presence of “God” all around me. All I had to do was just to be aware and to notice what was around me.

Some days I struggle to think that before, I could go through entire days, sometimes weeks without noticing any of the beauty that surrounds us constantly. I am so very grateful that I can now see it wherever I look, because that is what I want to see - what I choose to see.

I choose to be peripherally aware of all the “drama”, I see it, acknowledge it and I accept that it is there, but I no longer make it my own. We have been given the power to choose. How we use it, what we choose is up to us. I choose to find the light in every moment and situation. That way, my path is always illuminated.

Sure, I have my challenges EVERY day, but they seem so insignificant to all that is good and beautiful in my life. Take a look around, I mean a really honest look, how many of those little, beautiful things are around you? Things that make your being hum with blissful joy.

The inspiring sound of “muse”-ic and nature, greenery all along the highway on your trip to work, dabbed generously with rainbow colours of flowers, even purple trees, people laughing, singing and smiling, puffy shapes in the marshmallow clouds, the warmth of the sun or the coolness of the spring breeze caressing your skin.

Those are just SOME of the things that makes my being sing.

How much does it take for you?

"Healing your past hurts" - Meditation

This meditation worked very well for me, while I was specifically working through some painful childhood memories/experiences.

Once I started facing, accepting and integrating the painful experiences in my life, I started understanding a lot of my reactions better. I also realised in most of those cases what the Universe (and I) wanted/needed to learn. So a lot of situations that seem similar to the ones from my past that I have confronted are not affecting me adversely anymore or incapacitating me with fear and hurt.

It seems to me that I am now better equipped and more aware of how to “learn” what I need to learn from certain experiences.

You will need a quiet space, where you will not be interrupted. You may want to lay down, or if you prefer sitting up, that is good too. Your preference. _________________________________________________________________

Once you are settled and ready to begin, take two or three deep breaths to relax your body and quiet the mind. Feel your entire body melting away.

Focus on your breathing and use your imagination to visualise.

Continue breathing deeply, in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Now think of a situation/experience that has caused or still causes you emotional pain. Bring it back to life in your imagination. But see it play out on a movie screen. Focus your eyes on the screen and watch as it plays out, while you focus on your heartbeat. Feel the pain that it has caused you with every beat, and feel the freedom from pain in the pauses between the beats. It may be painful, but feel it, let it be so you can learn from it and let it merge with you.

Take a deep breath, drawing into your crown, the pink energy of Universal love. As the energy moves down from your crown, through your throat and towards your heart, allow that pink energy to swirl around your heart, and form an orb around your heart.

Keep drawing in enough pink energy to form a big, dense orb. Once you feel that your orb is strongly enough enforced. Look back at the screen where the experience it playing out.

Now as you breathe in, see that image dissolving from the screen and feel it being pulled in through your crown, moving down towards the orb. Draw it into the orb, where it mixes with the pink energy. The energy within the orb may change colour, that’s alright. It just means that it is being integrated with Universal love.

As this energy is swirling around in the orb, focus again on your heartbeat. And feel how with every beat, the painful beats begin subsiding and how the pain lessens, turning the energy in the orb darker.

Ask yourself: “What is it that I need to learn from this experience”, then listen quietly for the answer. Don’t strain to listen, if you are ready, you will clearly hear what you need to.

If you don’t hear anything, try to feel within your being if you can pick up the subtle answer. But don’t fret if you can’t. Your being will absorb it and make it know to you clearly at the appropriate time.

After about 4 breaths, whether you “heard” your answer or not, allow that orb to start moving slowly down your body - down through your solar plexus, your sacral and finally your base chakra. Watch as the orb continues it’s slow decent down to mother earth.

Feel, as you watch the orb dissolving into the ground, how the last vestiges of pain you are carrying, dissolves quietly along with the orb. Knowing that mother earth will transform that energy into what she needs to heal herself.

Now focus again for a few moments on your heartbeat. Feel how light, free and unencumbered your heart is beating.

Feel the space that you have now created within your being.

Keep breathing deeply as you keep feeling that space, that light feeling and the freedom. Commit this feeling to your memory - your mind, your heart and your being, so you may recall it any time during your day.

Then, once you have committed this feeling to your memory, visualise an orb filled with pure white light over your head. Feel it moving slowly down from your crown to your heart, where it encapsulates your heart – forming a protective barrier of light.

When you feel comfortable enough - start breathing in pure white light into your body. Keep breathing the white light into your body, so that it fills your entire body, every muscle, every pore and every cell from your head, to your fingertips and to your toes.

Feel yourself filled with light and healing.

When you are ready, slowly become aware of your surroundings and your body again. Take your time to come back to the present.

"Cut the chords" - Meditation

This meditation can be used in two ways.

1.) To release “the bonds” to a person that keeps you from growing and receiving your highest good.

Or

2.) To release a person from your life entirely.

This was a powerful tool for me to move through a really challenging situation.
I used the first option. Be sure to state your intent to the Universe, in love and light. We always get what we ask for.

You will need a quiet space, where you will not be interrupted - a space big enough to lie down and a pillow to put under your knees.
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Once you are settled and ready to begin, take two or three deep breaths to relax your body and quiet the mind. Feel your entire body melting away.

Focus on your breathing and use your imagination to visualise.

Start by breathing in pink energy into your crown chakra, drawing it down to your heart with every in-breath. On the out-breath, see the pink energy form a cocoon enveloping your heart. So with every in-breath, draw in more pink energy, and with every out-breath, visualise the ball of energy around your heart expanding.

Feel the warmth of the pink energy of Universal love radiate through your entire chest. Draw in as much of the pink energy as you feel your chest can contain. The more you draw around your heart the more love you can release the person with.

When you feel you have drawn enough energy around your heart (you will know when you have done so), picture the person standing in front of you. Picture them as clearly as you can.

Picture a thick, golden chord extending from your heart, and follow the chord to where it is attached to their heart, at the other end.

Call upon your Guardian Angel, and ask him to assist you in severing this emotional chord from your heart, in love and light - for the highest good of your being and for the highest good of all. This is very important.

Once you have done that, reach up with your one hand and hold it as close to your heart as you can, leaving only enough space between your heart and your hand to be able to cut the chord.

Draw in one more breath of pink energy into your crown and down to your heart, and visualise the energy around your heart condensing around that space where you are going to cut the chord.

In your mind, say: “For the highest good of my being, I release these bonds that are holding me in pain. I release you in infinite love.”

Now cut the chord, but still hold onto the chord with your hand.

You may feel overwhelmed when you cut the chord, you may feel like crying. Feel it, and let it happen.

Look at this person and thank them for being in your life, thank them for the lessons, thank them for the love and light they have brought to you. Tell them that you love and honor their being.

Now visualise that standing behind that person, is their Guardian Angel. With arms wide open, waiting to embrace them as you release the chord.

Start extending your hand that is holding the chord, outward – saying: ”I now release you into the infinite love and light of the Universe, and into the loving embrace of your Guardian Angel.” And gently let go of the chord.

See that person drifting backwards into the outstretched arms of their Angel. Who lovingly embraces them.

Once this is done, focus on your breathing again. This time, visualise that you are drawing green, healing energy into your crown and down to your heart. Let this green energy form an orb around your heart and seal the cut you have made. Then draw in more green energy to fill the orb.

When your orb is filled with green energy swirling inside, start breathing in pure white light. Keep breathing the white light into your body, so that it fills your entire body, every muscle, every pore and every cell from your head, to your fingertips and to your toes.

Feel yourself filled with light and healing.

When you are ready, slowly become aware of your surroundings and your body again. Take your time to come back to the present.
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In the next few days, avoid close emotional contact with the person. And draw green healing energy into the orb around your heart as often as you need to heal the cut - saying the following when you do so. “In love and light, I release and let go & give myself permission to receive my highest good.

Something old, something new…

“Isn’t it weird when you are not friends with your friends anymore?” – Michelle: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.

Four months ago today, I completed a “course” that has changed me from the inside out. It gave me a new sense of direction and purpose and re-affirmed my belief that this world can still be a beautiful place to live in.

I have gone through a personal transformation of note, and the thing that still trips me up some days is how it has affected everyone around me – but especially my close friends. When you have been friends with certain people for a number of years, they really get to know you, your strengths, weaknesses, secrets, fears and your dreams, among other things.

Over the years, mine have witnessed many of my attempts to “follow my dreams” and somewhere along the line I would have found some sort of self-sabotage measure, that would send me straight back into my safe haven of oblivion and dejection. Sulking until I latched onto the next big dream. This was a pattern that had repeated several times. So can I really blame them for thinking that this time is no different?

What matters is, I KNOW this time is different.

I have changed so much that I don’t even recognise myself sometimes, but I like the changes. I am comfortable with my self for the first time ever – I feel a sense of peace, and not the restlessness, anxiousness and yearning that has pervaded my being since I can remember. It has been very healing and positive for me. So I can understand how it must feel for them, they have to get to know the “new” me, just as I am still getting to know and getting used to the “new” me.

To say the least, it has been difficult for us to bridge the gap between us successfully. My change has taken me further from them than I have ever been, and it’s a toughie. But in a sense, I still feel closer to them now than I did before – although I can say with certainty that is not how they feel. It is like I see not only myself in a different way, but them too. I know that in time I’ll understand why.

But for now, in this space that I am, I am learning for the first time how rewarding it is to believe in myself for a change. Not looking to others to validate my worth - something that has been challenging, but also immensely rewarding.

“It is easier to believe in yourself, after someone believes in you first.” – Gabrielle, Bard of Potedeia.

This is true in a sense, but I have learnt that it is very difficult and quite rare to find someone who will believe in you, unless you believe in you first.

This is where I am now: learning with great challenges, to believe in me, to take care of me and to love myself. If I don’t respect myself enough do that, how can I expect others to do it for me?

Even though I have been removed from their space - I get that, it’s vital right now - to create the space for the next part of my learning. It doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore or that I have forgotten all about their contribution to my life. Or that the memories of the good times, doesn’t still make me giggle, often with a melancholic tear or two in the eye. It just means that for right now, I am being taken on a different route – one that is taking me on adventures that I could not even have imagined before.

So the following two posts today, are two meditations that I have used to make the separation a little easier for me and to keep me on track towards a more fulfilling life.

Much love and light

Worthy

So right now, I want to just blow off a little steam. Only a little.

I have had the most beautiful day at work. You know when you get so crazy busy, that there’s not a moment to think. You kinda get into a groove, like a chariot picking up speed and it just flows.

Wha, so just as you hit top speed, someone comes along and instantly flips over your li'l speeding chariot.

My FLOP (fundamental life operating procedure) has been from the stance that I am not good enough, and I am not worthy (cancel those thoughts).

So the last 4 months I have made steady progress in that department, working on becoming aware of my worth as a being, and that when I give my best, my 100% that’s good enough.

Now, it’s been hard work for me and I can honestly say that I have come a long way, but some days, it’s just so easy to fall back into that old pattern. Then it takes a bit to get yourself out of it again. It happened to me this week from late Monday afternoon till early Wednesday morning. Where I was so out of sorts with myself, fortunately with some awesome support from a respected and most valued friend's writing, I got to recognise what was happening to me (I was doubting my worth), and I got back on track.

Just in time too, coz today, I put in EVERYTHING at work, we were one staff member short, so naturally we had to pick up the slack. And what do you know, just as I hit top speed, and produced the best advert I have done this year. The powers that be snubbed it. “Yes, it’s gorgeous, but…” (Like so many times before) *sigh*

Man, do I dislike that word these days. “BUT” To me it has become a word of resistance. Resistance to WHAT IS. And I am on the path of non-resistance now, you see.

Chariot’s wheels came off. So naturally after huffing and puffing for a few minutes, about how almost nothing we do is ever good enough, I took a step back. “Whoa, Nelly. Wait up girl, you gave it everything. And you were darn proud of it. What does it matter what they think. Yes, so you have to re-do the darned thing, but remember that sense of pride you had when you had first finished it. That’s what it’s about. You gave them everything. That’s GOOD ENOUGH“

They did not like it. That’s their issues. Not mine right?

And in that moment, I just knew, that no matter what they say anymore, as long as I give my best and I am happy with the product, they can criticize all they like, it will not affect me. If they are not happy with my best, that’s their problem. No matter how many times I have to redo it to please them. "Just do your best darling, du-du-du" *whistles the melody to Absolutely Fabulous by the Pet Shop Boys* Don't make fun, it's an awesome song, k! "Lights, models, guestlist... just do your best darling."

Big loads of wasted energy on huffing and puffing freed up for me to employ, and still have the benefit of enjoying ALL the beauty in my day.

So, with a special thank you to a friend, whose journey has been, and still is an inspiration to me, I have been able to make a personal breakthrough on the self-worth front. And that to me is huge.

For those who want to find some practical and very efficient ways to improve their lives. Here’s a good place to start.

www.bonita-g.blogspot.com/

Insignificance

I have begun to look at my self and things in general in a different way.

A few minutes ago, while driving home I thought about how I was feeling right then. I was happy to find that the answer was… content and joyful.

Right then it hit me: Maybe all those people in my life that had always made me feel insignificant and unworthy, were absolutely necessary and vital to my being.

I could not have room for expansion and growth if I thought I was significant, OR could I? And of course, I had to realise that those people in my life were NOT the ones who made me feel insignificant. It was me. Somewhere deep inside, I felt so small, so insignificant, so separate and so alone. And I believed it. For a very, very long time I felt separate, but my yearning has always been to just belong.

I heard someone saying recently: “The world will tell you who you are, until you tell the world.”

It just made sense. Since the Universe is our mirror, why would the world tell me I am insignificant? Because, that is what I believed to be true.

I have always understood things better with illustrations in my life. So the insignificance thing came to me in the following mental picture.

If you look at anything… but let’s use the illustration that came to me … a cell phone. Without all its parts, including the TINIEST component, it cannot function. So, no matter how small the tiniest component within the device, without it, the device will not function.

Then, on a larger scale, would it not also be true, that in the device that we live in, the Universe, we are all necessary. No matter how small or insignificant or separated we feel. We ARE ALWAYS essential, necessary, vital and very, very significant?

This realisation has been a light bulb moment for me.

Namaste, fellow journeyers.

Love and light
Charlize

The start of Gratitude

How can I consciously contribute to making life more beautiful and meaningful?

For now, by consciously making my life more beautiful and meaningful.

I have started to consciously take note of everything beautiful, or even not so beautiful, that surrounds me every day, and then to integrate it into my daily being. Then just being grateful for its presence.

Today is my first day of blogging, so this is all new to me. And I have no idea where all this might lead. I am just following instinctively where I am being guided.

So I am going to start of today by taking a few moments to express my gratitude to the Universe.

I read somewhere, and have been experiencing it for some time now, that Gratitude opens our beings to receive.

I thank you for every moment of beauty, love, joy and grace I get to experience.

I am grateful for the life I have to live now, the life I have lived. The lessons I have learnt, and the one's I still have the privilege of learning. The people that have been chosen to become part of my experience as a human being, for exactly that purpose. Learning.

I am grateful for the right here and now and being able to give thanks, right here and now, for my being, for my existance and for my contribution to All-life.

It is time for me to participate.

Thank you for all my daily blessings, miracles and magic. To be able to think, feel, express and experience everything that I am surrounded with every single moment of my life.

We are all wonderful, amazing and infinite human beings. It's time for us all to remember who we are. Including me. Always keeping in mind that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Not human beings having a spiritual experience. It changes how we view life.

Thank you for the miracle of life. It is an honor and a privilege beyond comprehension.

Let's embrace the light that is our destiny, fearlessly and courageously.

Love and Light
Charlize