SPEAK

Yeow, baseball bat upside the head moment.

Last night I did an exercise that Diana Cooper refers to in her book, A time for transformation. Where you sit for a few hours writing down every single thought that comes up. And somewhere around hour 3 I got to a thought that went something like this.

Take every person in my life right now, new and old, and write what it is about them that I like, dislike and see if I can find the reason for them being in my life and the lessons they are teaching me about myself.

So, I made a mental note of it. And the reason this probably came up, was because yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I was disagreeing with a friend of mine via sms, and my whole body was just filled with antagonistic energy. I felt wounded, not so much angry, just lonely and lost.

See right now I feel like I am in this little bubble. Neither here nor there. I don't fit in with the old crowd anymore, so they have been moved just slightly to the outside of that sphere. And not yet fitting with the new crowd, they are just slightly on the other side of the sphere, and being in this space of suspension does leave me a little lonely at times. While most days I really am just peachy about it, there is once in a while that I do feel the separation intensely. I knew I had to do something about it and quickly, coz from a space of resistance and antagonism and feeling like a victim, there is no space to receive good.

So in the last sms, I said exactly what I was feeling, without blame, resentment or anger. I expressed what certain actions made me feel like and letting them know that I am aware that they are my issues. And this morning I woke up to a long message that showed understanding and acceptance. So I could reply from the same point of reference. And while writing it, I discovered one amazing, mind blowing truth.

That even if my best medium for self expression is my writing, I must start to SPEAK it!

This is still challenging for me, sometimes when I have to speak about how I feel, it's like fear and uncertainty chokes up my throat and the words just stop before it reaches my mouth - then all that comes out is some irrelevant blabber. And I believe that once I walk head on into this challenge, the size of that bubble will increase to include all the new gorgeous souls that are hovering on the outskirts. Coz they already speak their truth with great ease and comfort and a fearlessness that makes me stand in awe.

I decided last night to record my affirmations too, so I can start getting used to hearing my own voice speaking truth and beauty. I feel that it will help me tremendously.

Now onto the second part of this post. I remembered, driving to my dance class this evening about writing down every person in my life and the lessons... and when I got there I spoke to the only man there...

He told me a story from Dr Wayne Dyer, about how a clinical facility in Hawai, having lost all hope finally decided to hire a shaman, and they were very distressed when he did not work with the patients at all, because that was, after all what they paid him for. Instead he took all their case files to his office and reviewed each file. Trying to figure our why each patient has "come" into his life, what it reflected about himself. And within a year the facility had almost no patients left.

This really just confirmed for me, my plan to review every person in my life at this stage, is my intuition telling me to do just that. I trusted it, and it was beautifully synchronistically confirmed for me.

Apart from that, I am just absolutely grateful that I have chosen to start living. To get a life, a real life, where people and I matter more than things, places and money.

Shereen, my ever dancing and playing human Angel friend. Thank you for your presence in my life. I look forward to the lessons. :) And always more dancing, whether it is Warrior Princess style, Feminine and Masculine Style or Faery style. It makes my spirit soar and opens my heart to more love and abundance.

Today is one of the best days of my life.
Love, joy and contentment to all.

Much, much love
Charlize