Aftermath

I've heard people say that your biggest strength and your biggest weakness is usually the same thing - your biggest blessing and your biggest curse. In my case, it's my sensitivity. Through it I experience great joy when it aids me in being a support to the people I care for and see them smile, also through it, I have experienced immense pain, when for a moment I expected care and support from those I love and didn't get it. No wonder I have had difficulty in the past feeling worthy and good enough. And now that I know better, I was still surprised to find that I once again expected people to care, who habitually does not. When am I gonna learn?

So Saturday! The day after the big scare. A friend came to pick me up at 5pm, for a long awaited date with the Parlotones. She immediately saw something was amiss. I told her about what happened, her concern was welcomed, but short lived. And I sat in silence staring out the window, picking quietly through my memory of the event, on our way to pick up another friend.

About 5 minutes away from the 3rd friend's house I suddenly remembered with horror that I had forgotten my ticket at home. As I told my friend, she said that it was ok, we'll go back for it. We'll pick up our friend and then head back. It's gonna be a close one but we'll make it.

Once at the house, friend number 3 flipped at the information and said, she was not going to miss one minute of the show because I was stupid enough to forget my ticket, and that included the opening act. She promptly suggested we head back and she would meet us at the venue. I ran to the little warriors room, to make the trip back, when I got back I was informed by friend number 2 to take her car and head back. She is going to go to the venue with friend number 3, coz she did not want to wait for us at the venue alone. Completely unconcerned that I required some company.

I snapped at them and felt the anger crystalize around the hurt and perceived rejection in my heart. I cannot express the intensity of the hurt and rage. Anger and rage are emotions that very infrequently grip my being, the intensity of it scared me. I had not felt this amount of pure rage in about 2 years.

I got in the car and said that I would pick friend number 2 up after the concert. I took off, headed home, not really wanting to go anymore, not in such callous company. But in retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened. I drove for a while, blind with fury, hurt and the tears of the betrayal I felt stinging my eyes. When I suddenly realised, I am not angry with them. I am angry with myself. Furious. Enraged. For expecting different reactions from them. I know these people well enough not to have that reaction affect me anymore. Yet, I keep making the same mistake, over and over. When am I going to learn.

Furious for the unfathomable expectation, for yet again believing that they would exert just the tiniest bit of care. I KNOW!!!!!! - I KNOW!!!!!! that it won't happen.

Furious at myself about leaving my car window open, furious for answering my phone with the window open. I was livid at myself. And as soon as I realised that I was angry at myself, more than at them. I started feeling some calm return to my being, and I started thinking. I looked forward to this show for 6 loooong weeks. I was NOT going to deny myself the experience, just because my friends disappointed me. This is a situation I should be used to by now.

I ended up going to the concert. I enjoyed it thoroughly and found that the music melted the crust of anger and soothed the hurt somewhat. Despite the "atmosphere" I brought with me, I put a magnificent golden egg of protection around me, and let the music transport me to another world.

The yo-yo, push and pull friendship is not allowing me to grow... I grow and I allow myself to be sucked back in, letting myself shrink again...

LET IT GO, CHARLIZE! WATCH THE COMPANY YOU KEEP. You KNOW this will continue to happen. You will continue being the one getting hurt. YOU ARE THE ONE ALLOWING THEM TO HURT YOU CONTINUOUSLY, CHARLIZE!

It is time to LET IT GO. It's served its purpose. No matter how much I love and care for them. Cut those cords, only this time, don't let your SYMPATHETIC heart suck you back in. One of the greatest lessons one can learn is when to let go. Can I just learn it, ALREADY?

And surprisingly, to this moment, I have not felt one drop of rage directed at the perpetrator who set all this in motion. Could this be normal?

Conclusion:
The lesson to REALLY TAKE TO HEART THIS TIME:

Let go, so I can open up my being to make space for the 'new' to come in for my highest good. I am worthy, I am good enough.
I have found I can care for myself, and I truly like my own company. Enjoy caring for me. Why keep wishing for FICKLE support, when UNFAILING support surrounds me ALL THE TIME. I just need to keep my heart, eyes and ears open to that.

I know this will take some time, on the other hand, someone else recently told me that it doesn't have to take a really long time.

I've also learnt the anger truly blinds me to the beauty out there. And I don't want to miss one thing, not one thing of beauty anymore.

Mission objective:
Forgiveness and melt the last remaining vestiges of anger and hurt, so I can move forward again.

Much love and gratitude to all those unexpected Angels who show up in our lives. You are appreciated and recognised.