Something old, something new…

“Isn’t it weird when you are not friends with your friends anymore?” – Michelle: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.

Four months ago today, I completed a “course” that has changed me from the inside out. It gave me a new sense of direction and purpose and re-affirmed my belief that this world can still be a beautiful place to live in.

I have gone through a personal transformation of note, and the thing that still trips me up some days is how it has affected everyone around me – but especially my close friends. When you have been friends with certain people for a number of years, they really get to know you, your strengths, weaknesses, secrets, fears and your dreams, among other things.

Over the years, mine have witnessed many of my attempts to “follow my dreams” and somewhere along the line I would have found some sort of self-sabotage measure, that would send me straight back into my safe haven of oblivion and dejection. Sulking until I latched onto the next big dream. This was a pattern that had repeated several times. So can I really blame them for thinking that this time is no different?

What matters is, I KNOW this time is different.

I have changed so much that I don’t even recognise myself sometimes, but I like the changes. I am comfortable with my self for the first time ever – I feel a sense of peace, and not the restlessness, anxiousness and yearning that has pervaded my being since I can remember. It has been very healing and positive for me. So I can understand how it must feel for them, they have to get to know the “new” me, just as I am still getting to know and getting used to the “new” me.

To say the least, it has been difficult for us to bridge the gap between us successfully. My change has taken me further from them than I have ever been, and it’s a toughie. But in a sense, I still feel closer to them now than I did before – although I can say with certainty that is not how they feel. It is like I see not only myself in a different way, but them too. I know that in time I’ll understand why.

But for now, in this space that I am, I am learning for the first time how rewarding it is to believe in myself for a change. Not looking to others to validate my worth - something that has been challenging, but also immensely rewarding.

“It is easier to believe in yourself, after someone believes in you first.” – Gabrielle, Bard of Potedeia.

This is true in a sense, but I have learnt that it is very difficult and quite rare to find someone who will believe in you, unless you believe in you first.

This is where I am now: learning with great challenges, to believe in me, to take care of me and to love myself. If I don’t respect myself enough do that, how can I expect others to do it for me?

Even though I have been removed from their space - I get that, it’s vital right now - to create the space for the next part of my learning. It doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore or that I have forgotten all about their contribution to my life. Or that the memories of the good times, doesn’t still make me giggle, often with a melancholic tear or two in the eye. It just means that for right now, I am being taken on a different route – one that is taking me on adventures that I could not even have imagined before.

So the following two posts today, are two meditations that I have used to make the separation a little easier for me and to keep me on track towards a more fulfilling life.

Much love and light