Tomorrow will mark an anniversary of the most special experience of love I have ever had. Eight months ago, I met someone who has changed my life in ways that cannot be described. That person is me.
A couple of days ago a friend told me to just take time to acknowledge how far I have come – and in doing that, I have come to some amazing and profound realisations.
I have realised that I really have come a long way down the path of SELF love. A mysterious journey that began in July last year, has been unfolding, completely unnoticed by me, into a gift of love that I have been withholding from myself since childhood.
I have spent the last 13 years looking for love in all the wrong places. Falling in love with people's potential, rather than who they really were – a great disservice to them and myself. It left me devastated, hurt and lost on more than one occasion and left me feeling worthless and insignificant nearly all that time. But somewhere inside me there was also a very quiet, very distant voice that kept telling me that I deserved to be loved.
It took many years and many heartbreaks to finally start listening to that voice – to find the way to adjust the volume of that voice to a more audible level. It took a lot of self-investigation, not always easy, and it took just 1 hour of my time per day. And in that time I was gifted with the most amazing group of people who had consciously and unconsciously contributed to my healing and growth. I thank Great Spirit for those people immensely. Without their valuable contribution of love, support, encouragement and care, I may not have found the courage and strength hiding behind my deepest fears.
So as I realised about falling in love with people’s potential and pondering it for a few hours and talking to some about it, it made me realise that maybe that was one of the reasons I had found it so hard to love my SELF. If all people in our lives are our mirrors to learn and grow from… and the Universe does not give us anything that we are not putting out there first… they must have been attracted by me, because I always felt that IF ONLY I could be like this, or like that, then I could love myself more.
By taking that time to acknowledge my journey over the last 8 months, I realised with great astonishment today. I ACTUALLY DO love the person I AM right NOW. And that makes EVERYTHING ok. I also realised that even though so much of the externals have changed, not all that much of the old me that started out on this path has changed. Inside, I STILL AM THAT girl who nervously and quite frankly, terrified, walked into a Life Process one Thursday evening, wondering why I should and if I could do this. The only difference today is that I NOW allow myself to just BE that girl anyways, no matter where or with whom I am. And all I did was to slowly dig away at all the barriers I have surrounded her with – to slowly start exposing more and more of her to the light and to the world.
Having made this discovery, it opened up yet another door, locked tightly by my subconscious - a question that has been unanswered for years. Why do so many people on some occasions not honour their commitments and agreements with me? The clear answer from the mirror came today and bitch slapped me so hard across the face it left me reeling – because on some occasions, I do not honour my commitments and agreements to my SELF. It’s the worst thing one can do, breaking agreements with ourselves, coz it indicates lack of respect for some part of the self. This is only one of the little things the EGO needs to hold us ransom, sometimes our entire lives.
These realisations has led to a violent battle raging between my EGO and my SELF during this day. Somewhere over the last few days an aspect of me has started recognising and slowly revealing things to my conscious mind, things that I have suppressed for a very long time, that had kept me in a state of misery for a long time. But I'll tell you one thing, the ego is very, very sharp... it took a nanosecond to start retalliating with viscious intent, to regain the ground it perceived to have lost.
Finally, it seems that the battle is more fair... that I have somehow been privvy to one of the cards ego held up its sleeve. Having obtained the power this awareness brings now allows me to create some semblance of balance and harmony between my dual aspects of self. GAME ON!!! :)
Awareness truly is our greatest weapon against the ego part of self. Let’s start using it to create harmony, balance and peace between our dual selves - to “become the change we want to see in the world”, and so bring harmony, balance and peace to our external environment.
Have a phenomenal day and know that YOU are the most important person in this Universe, without you, nothing in this space and time will be exactly as it is now.
Namaste!!!
Love,
Charlize
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