SPEAK

Yeow, baseball bat upside the head moment.

Last night I did an exercise that Diana Cooper refers to in her book, A time for transformation. Where you sit for a few hours writing down every single thought that comes up. And somewhere around hour 3 I got to a thought that went something like this.

Take every person in my life right now, new and old, and write what it is about them that I like, dislike and see if I can find the reason for them being in my life and the lessons they are teaching me about myself.

So, I made a mental note of it. And the reason this probably came up, was because yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I was disagreeing with a friend of mine via sms, and my whole body was just filled with antagonistic energy. I felt wounded, not so much angry, just lonely and lost.

See right now I feel like I am in this little bubble. Neither here nor there. I don't fit in with the old crowd anymore, so they have been moved just slightly to the outside of that sphere. And not yet fitting with the new crowd, they are just slightly on the other side of the sphere, and being in this space of suspension does leave me a little lonely at times. While most days I really am just peachy about it, there is once in a while that I do feel the separation intensely. I knew I had to do something about it and quickly, coz from a space of resistance and antagonism and feeling like a victim, there is no space to receive good.

So in the last sms, I said exactly what I was feeling, without blame, resentment or anger. I expressed what certain actions made me feel like and letting them know that I am aware that they are my issues. And this morning I woke up to a long message that showed understanding and acceptance. So I could reply from the same point of reference. And while writing it, I discovered one amazing, mind blowing truth.

That even if my best medium for self expression is my writing, I must start to SPEAK it!

This is still challenging for me, sometimes when I have to speak about how I feel, it's like fear and uncertainty chokes up my throat and the words just stop before it reaches my mouth - then all that comes out is some irrelevant blabber. And I believe that once I walk head on into this challenge, the size of that bubble will increase to include all the new gorgeous souls that are hovering on the outskirts. Coz they already speak their truth with great ease and comfort and a fearlessness that makes me stand in awe.

I decided last night to record my affirmations too, so I can start getting used to hearing my own voice speaking truth and beauty. I feel that it will help me tremendously.

Now onto the second part of this post. I remembered, driving to my dance class this evening about writing down every person in my life and the lessons... and when I got there I spoke to the only man there...

He told me a story from Dr Wayne Dyer, about how a clinical facility in Hawai, having lost all hope finally decided to hire a shaman, and they were very distressed when he did not work with the patients at all, because that was, after all what they paid him for. Instead he took all their case files to his office and reviewed each file. Trying to figure our why each patient has "come" into his life, what it reflected about himself. And within a year the facility had almost no patients left.

This really just confirmed for me, my plan to review every person in my life at this stage, is my intuition telling me to do just that. I trusted it, and it was beautifully synchronistically confirmed for me.

Apart from that, I am just absolutely grateful that I have chosen to start living. To get a life, a real life, where people and I matter more than things, places and money.

Shereen, my ever dancing and playing human Angel friend. Thank you for your presence in my life. I look forward to the lessons. :) And always more dancing, whether it is Warrior Princess style, Feminine and Masculine Style or Faery style. It makes my spirit soar and opens my heart to more love and abundance.

Today is one of the best days of my life.
Love, joy and contentment to all.

Much, much love
Charlize

Happy Birthday Cindy!!!

While I have a moment, I would like to take a quick moment to tell one of those gorgeous souls I have been blessed with meeting during this year...

Happy Birthday, Cindy!
May you have the most divinely abundant and enriching year.

Bubbles of light and enthusiasm to you.

Thank you for the many wisdoms and buckets of laughter and joy you have shared.

Much love, light, magic, miracles, bubbles, joy, success and transendence.
Charlize

Full circle...

I have just come home from a movie and put my things down. As I was daddling around, I started thinking about the fact that there is only 10 days left in this year. My word, where has this year raced off to.

Obviously somewhere I cannot find it again, except recalling it from memory. And boy, what a year it has been. :)

I am currently in a place of "suspended animation", partly due to the the time of year and partly due to the personal space I am currently inhabiting.

In the past year, I had fallen in love twice, had my heart broken twice, had considered the "easy way out" once, went on a life changing process twice, drove to Durban (to see how long it would take us to do it in a SEAT Leon DSG and ended up spending the day at Ushaka doing ocean walking and snorkeling) on a Friday night and returned the next day once, flown to Cape Town twice, once for a day, for a company lunch and once for a long weekend. I started dancing, writing, meditating, drumming and picked up my dusty Didgeridoo again (man, that sound just lifts me to a place of bliss). I met countless gorgeous souls who have touched, supported, encouraged and "changed" my life in the most unimaginable ways.

I have been introduced to the beautiful practice of Gratitude, the most divine art of listening, the amazingness of caring for others, the miracles in my daily life, the abundance of my life, the beauty of stillness and retreat and the beauty of my own being.

I have learnt the most divine things about life, miracles, synchronicity, animals and my place in this magnificent Universe we get to live in every day.

But most of all, I have learnt a lot about myself. One of which is, that I want to make a difference in this world. To spread joy, love, light and peace, no matter where I find myself, or who I am with. My heart lights up when something I have done makes another person smile, burst out in full belly laughter or is touched by my words, actions, contribution or participation.

Life is such a profoundly beautiful gift.

Let's seize every moment, coz we only get them once, before it becomes but a memory.

Let's start giving of ourselves and to ourselves, coz we are the chosen ones. We are here now to make the world a place of joy, love, peace and harmony.

I am in spiritual "rehab", I am quitting the "guilt, blame, shame, judgment and disappointment" game. I am learning to love myself unconditionally, accept myself for the amazing light bearer and caregiver that I am. I am learning anew, to find the divine spark in every person I encounter. After all, we are all one. We not only breathe the same air, but we breathe in every other being on this planet's breath. Does that not connect each of us to one another in the most profound way?

I am suddenly reminded of this quote, don't have the foggiest clue who it is by though: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the times it takes our breath away."

Life is infinite... in it's beauty, abundance, joy, miracles, magic, mystery and blessings.

Thank all that is, that I am allowed to be a part of it.

Thank you for a year that has been an amazing ebb and flow of miracles and learning. Meetings, encounters, beginnings and endings.

I wish you all the greatest of days. An abundant new year and love in every form in your every moment.

Namaste
Charlize

Scraps

I just want to quote something that once again struck me while listening to a favorite band.

"Just don't leave me the scraps, I'm WORTH MORE!"

I found it very apt, especially since I am working on just that. My worth.

Every day is a new challenge, every experience an opportunity for growth. Today I was presented with one that challenged my worth and from it I was presented with two valuable lessons,

1. TRUST my intuition - despite outside influences

and

2. STAY PRESENT - without expectation.

Connectedness of all life...

I am busy reading a book by Deepak Chopra, called Synchro Destiny, and he also mentions the connectedness of all life. In fact, he more than just mentions it, he “draws” the profound picture of it so well that my “layman/human” perception can almost make sense of in an infinitesimal flash.

Just before going to bed the strangest thing happened to me. I channel-hopped, really searching for a channel with tennis on (it can be rather like being lulled to sleep by background music, if you have the volume just right. Weird… yeah, I’d say so!!!) but, in the absence of tennis, I landed on a channel that had volleyball on instead. And during a time out, I looked at the team having their discussion, and as they focused in on their faces, the strangest most amazing thing happened. For that infinitesimal second, in each person’s eyes, I recognised each and every one of them as someone I know. Weird again… I’d say so…

And that got me wondering about literally being able to see the divine spark in everyone, is it when you can look into the eyes of any person in the world – and you immediately see “someone you know” or just in an instant flash “recognise” them, from someplace not here?

For the briefest of moments, I felt and “saw” the connectedness of all beings and my entire body registered it in goose-bumps. Like the “image” has been imprinted or burnt into a deeper level of my own being.

Was just wondering about that!!!

Goodnight all.
Namaste

Flip-FLOP

Yesterday has brought me back to my FLOP (fundamental life operating procedure), where I function from a place where I feel I am unlovable, not worthy and not good enough. This has been a constant challenge for me, however it did seem to move into the background for a while. And yesterday, it hit me again - like a ton of bricks. :)

And while speaking to a friend on the phone earlier, I was pointed to the fact that fear has yet again settled in my bones and that I need to release it, because it keeps me from meaningful and awesome experiences in my life. Experiences I would love to have.

After all that I have already seen, felt and experienced, can I still doubt that I am just as valuable as all else?

How could others possibly treat me as worthy, lovable and good enough if I don't feel these things about myself? No wonder I am experiencing that people withdraw from me, coz they don't want that responsibility placed upon them of making me feel these things about myself.

My retreat has started, so I can start nurturing myself, so I no longer unconciously or consciously place this burden upon those I love and care for. To learn the beauty and power that lies in self-acceptance and self-love. To truly heal and integrate my worth, cos my heart knows and believes this, but my head still keeps tripping me up.

Now I am really experiencing that connection between mind, body and spirit. They all need to believe, not just one or two parts of me. So working dilligently with powerful affirmations to "train" my mind through Neurolinguistic Programming. Someone else told me last week that with affirmations, you are effectively activating new neural pathways in your brain. Someone else mentioned that it should be done with feeling to enhance the effect. So there's already 2 of the 3 aspects in working, and faith, trust and spirit the last. That I have in boundless amounts.

Now to teach my body and mind to align with my spirit... and finding my "wings", coz I am worthy, I am good enough and I am lovable.

Selling the drama... for a life of truth

Wow, does change really happen this quickly?

Fortunately, I must add in gratitude, the Universe has truly been preparing me for a big change. And now that it is here, all I can say is WOW. I stand amazed, blessed and in complete, wonderous awe of the present.

Today I woke up feeling like a whole entire world has been removed from my shoulders, like the shackles have been loosened and I have been set free.

My life has become a place of mindblowing miracles - and it all began when I accepted complete accountability for it. I have become aware that blaming or holding others accountable for the way my life was or how I felt at any given moment only made me desperately unhappy and did not change a thing about it anyways.

Once I realised that I am in charge of my life, and the ONLY one that determines how my life is and can be, things started changing at a rocketing pace. I could barely keep up...

To look at my own life, from my own eyes and from the point I occupy life has given me new insights and visions of what really matters to me. What matters to me is to live my life in harmony with all-that-is, to infectiously spread joy and love to each and every being I encounter, to give everything of myself in service to the Universe and to others, but never forgetting or losing myself. Abundantly. Like Ghandi said, to be the change that I want to see in this world.

I have no idea where this new journey may lead me, all I do know and can say with utmost certainty and gratitude, is this: I have everything and everyone I need with me at all times, to successfully and joyfully traverse my present moments.

This gives me absolute peace and contentment. So, infinite gratitude to my Cosmic Cavalry for your ever present love, support and assistance. My journey with you is one of miracles, wonder and joy.

Bless each of us with infinite moments of pure joy and may each of us be enveloped in a blanket of awe inspiring grace and divine love.

In the most divine light and love
C